So this week we've been subjected to more headlines about horse meat than I've had hot, and potentially horse infested, dinners. The Sun in particular has gone to town on this story, having day after day of horse related articles and their pun machine going into overdrive with headlines such as; "A load of old Pony" after one of their journalists visited a Romanian slaughterhouse and "Neigh Levels" after horse meat was discovered in school dinners. Yep that's right, The Sun has covered this story with as much tact as ever. I'm just amazed they haven't linked the puns together with the Oscar Pistorius murder case yet. There's always next week I guess.
My favourite report so far however has been about the horse meat that was found in....wait for it.....kebabs! WHAT a revelation that one was aye? Personally I am actually astonished it was as good as horse meat that they discovered, as I always pressumed Kebabs were made from the remains of dead badgers and drowned kittens. In fact, having horse meat in it has actually made me more tempted to go down the local Abbra Kebabra and rekindle my love for what once used to be my drunken after pub stable, err i mean staple.
Now personally I don't really see what all the fuss is about. Okay so the burgers you bought for about 5p had something other than the finest cuts of beef in them? Who'd have thought it aye? What next, the 'Roof Lauren' jumper you bought for £2.50 down the local market wasn't the high quality 'Ralph Laurent' knitted beauty you were expecting? At least we know where the Horses missing 4th leg on the logo went now I guess? Every cloud and all that.
Obviously this horse meat issue is bad and yeah the stores suppliers certainly shouldn't be hanging about down the local race track like it's an all you can eat buffet, but to me it's all getting a bit boring now. No one's died as far as I am aware - well other than maybe poor old Seabiscuit - and in other countries they eat horse like we eat beef (which ironically might be horse) so let's just get on with it and as long as it gets sorted urgently then surely we can stop with the daily updates and scaremongering?
Even the revelation that some horse meat contained a painkiller called 'bute' hasn't really stacked up to be anything to worry about, as according to doctors you'd need to eat around six hundred horse meat burgers in one sitting for it to have any effect on you whatsoever! SIX HUNDRED!!! Now there's an episode of Man Vs Food I wanna see. Seriously, if that's the amount you're eating then having a painkiller in your system is probably a bonus, as the aftermath of that monstrosity is not going to be pretty.
Anyway as this continuous voice of doom in the papers doesn't seem to be shutting up anytime soon I've decided to have a think about what the potential benefits of eating horse could be, as I want to try and alleviate anyone's concerns if they are feeling particularly worried. Before I do go through these thoughts however I'd just like to tell any nutritionists, biologists or even horses reading this article that I have NO idea what I am talking about, so please don't take it too seriously. Still here we go:
1) It might make you run quicker and become stronger - Cows are slow, lazy animals who spend most of their day eating grass, having their udders squeezed by strangers and when laying down, giving people the chance to make outrageous assumptions about the weather. Horses however run around, jump fences and pull gypsies along the side of the road like it's nothing, so shoving a few of them down your neck might improve your athleticism. When I say 'them' I mean horses by the way, not gypsies - eating those cheeky buggers might just make you really bad at laying driveways or something.
2) It could make you cooler. Have you ever seen anyone riding a cow? No, that's because it would make you look mentally unstable. Riding a horse however is pretty cool, so eating something that John Wayne, Clint Eastwood and recently Jamie Foxx casually trot around on in their movies could potentially have the same effect on you. Obviously if after a year of eating it you find yourself roaming around a field on all fours with a fella sitting on your back and shouting giddyup then it's probably wise to re-think your eating habits.
3) It might make you 'Frencher'. Now this can be seen as a positive or negative, depending on your view of the French, but the Frenchies love a bit of horse and their food is meant to be the best in the world, plus women LOVE their accent. So if you want to up your game in the culinary sense and maybe add a little bit of a French twang to your current rough English tones then eat away. Admittedly the whole 'eating what the French do might make you sound French' theory is a bit far fetched, and if that was the case then considering my curry habit I'd be sounding 90% Indian, but hey give it a go, you never know, it might work.
4) It could make your manhood bigger. No one ever says 'Oh he's hung like a cow' do they? Well maybe on that show 'Embarassing Bodies', but I don't see that as a positive. So I say if you get the chance gorge away on a bit of horse meat and by this time next year your little fella might be swinging around like an unmanned fire hose.
5) It won't turn you loopy. I mean have you ever heard of mad horses disease? Nope me neither, cows however? Big time. Fifteen years or so ago Britain was seemingly full of cows going bonkers. I'm not saying they were heading down the local Lidl dressed in their pyjamas like mad humans do, but they were still causing a lot of problems. So tuck into horse, at least you know (at this point) that it's not going to send you over the edge.
6) If we eat all the horses, then any sport that previously involved them might have to swap to using cows instead. Just imagine The Grand National, it would be incredible! Or it could actually make Dressage at the Olympics even funnier?!
There you have it, just a handful of scientifically dubious but theoretically possible positive results that could come from eating horse! Actually who am I kidding? Even theoretically this is bollocks, but as long as dairy farmers don't start using horses "milk" instead of cows then I'm fine with the rest. Seriously, someone showed me the infamous Animal Farm tape at school and you DO NOT want to be pouring that on your cornflakes....