Since 2004 I, like most people, have been using 'social media' to connect with friends whom if it weren't for the likes of Twitter and Facebook I would never ever speak to. Now this isn't because I dislike them in any way, but is mainly because we either;
- Live too far away from each other for us to catch up for a beer,
- We have gone our seperate ways since school so don't see each other any more,
- They're a girl who's dumped me and I'm frantically poking them every day on Facebook whilst they're in turn frantically trying to block me from the site and potenitally applying for a restraining order....
However over these past 8 years of social networking I have gradually become increasingly irritated by certain things that happen on Facebook and alike. Admittedly none of these irritations are strong enough to make me want to come off these sites entirely, I mean where else would I get to read about what someone who I haven't seen for 10 years is having for their dinner for example? But they have on occasion been enough to make me stop following a certain individual on Twitter or block them from my timeline on Facebook (not defriend them of course, as you've got to keep your numbers up). So I have therefore compiled a list of my top ten social media irritations for your perusal:
1) Women pouting. Seriously? What on earth compels some woman to pout constantly in pictures on Facebook? Waving a camera at some girls these days seems to immediately result in them sticking their lips up in the air, pulling a face like they're having an issue on the toilet and then pouting with all their might until they look as though they are being dragged lips first into a black-hole whilst trying to suck the meat off a chicken leg. I mean I'm no oil painting (unless 'Scream' by Edvard Munch counts?) but if I wanted to see something looking like that on my wall I'd of gone down the local taxidermist and got myself an aardvark.
2) Public arguments. Why the hell have some people decided that having a public argument on Facebook is a good idea? Firstly it makes you look like a bit of a knob when you're airing your dirty laundry in public and secondly if you put it all out there for the world to see you can't deny saying it later! That shit'll be with you for life, you'll be saying to your other half "I don't remember saying that, you must of misheard me" to which they will reply with "well you posted it on my wall and 18 of your friends bloody 'liked' it, so I know you said it and I know you have been talking about me with your mates". The only walls that shit should be happening is in-between the 4 you have in your own house and nowhere else, so please spare me the irritation.
3) LOL. Why on bigfoot's dick do people put LOL at the end of sentences that not only aren't funny, but also don't appear to even be attempting to be? I have seen things like; "Just woke up, LOL" or "I just ate breakfast, LOL". Seriously, if you laugh out loud every time you eat breakfast then you are either a lunatic or someone's cheekily slipped an E in your Cheerios, either way you should probably get off Facebook and seek medical help immediately.
4) Status updates that say things like "Yes I've been fat. Yes I've been skinny. Yes I've been a fool. Yes I've been wise. Yes I've loved. Yes I've lost. But no I won't change and no I don't care what you think" Repost this if you refuse to change and don't care what people think! Err no thanks, not only because I don't care if you won't change but also because you clearly do care what people think or you wouldn't have been posting this nonsense on your wall in the first place.
5) Spam. No not my oversized forehead that's currently covered by a mahoosive comb over, but the tweets I get on an almost daily basis about 'People are saying horrible things about you on their twitter feed, click this link to find out who'. To be honest even if that is true, ignorance is bliss so I'll think I'll give it a miss, especially as clicking the link will undoubtedly lead to me getting a virus quicker than a pervert in Bangkok.
6) People who follow me on twitter and have bio's saying either something like 'when I get on my knees it's not to pray' or 'haterz, playerz, fuk dat shiz'. Firstly to the lady who isn't praying (I'm assuming she's gardening or talking to an infant) please don't follow me, I really couldn't give a shit that you're not religious, neither am I, but that's hardly a selling point (or have I misread what she's talking about?). As for the ones who put z's on the end of words for no reason, please also leave me alone and if you want to follow someone, feel free to follow your teacher down to the library, pick up a dictionary and learn to fucking spell.
7) Poking people on Facebook. There's two reasons for this, firstly I can't see the frickin point of it? So you've poked someone but what on earth does that actually mean and what the hell happens next? I say if you want to talk to someone then send them a bloody message and if you want to be their friend then send them a friend request, otherwise leave them the hell alone!
The second is that those who poke you are never the people you want to poke you. Its never the girl/boy who you've secretly fancied for months suddenly realising they've fallen in love with you is it?! Nope It's always the sinister odd ball at work who spends far too much time hanging about the photocopier, or someone you met on a night out who has somehow managed to track you down even though you only gave them your first name. I say get rid of the 'poke', it really is about as much use as a dissolvable condom.
8) Boring status updates. You know those people who update their status with things like "I'm about to eat some toast" or "I just saw a cat" or "It's raining". Seriously if that is the highlight of your day then I'd probably advise you quickly eat your toast, stick the cat on Ebay, put on a raincoat and go outside and live a little as you sound like you are having a terrible life.
9) Cryptic status updates. The ones where someone writes an update such as "I don't know why I bother" or "Just when I thought things were going well again.." and then everyone unsurprisingly jumps in and asks "what's up?", "Are you ok?", "Please tell me things are alright?". To which, after luring everyone in like they were moments away from death, they respond with "yeah I'm fine, just had a bad day at work". WHAT???? A bad day at work? If you're filling up everyone's news feed with such attention seeking antics then you should at least have the courtesy of being held captive at the hands of Somali pirates or be on the verge of taking your 20th paracetamol of the evening, otherwise please keep your desperate pleas for interaction to yourself.
10) The obligatory 'like'. Now this is more of a jealousy thing on my part if I'm totally honest, as I can spend a few hours writing a blog post, drop it on to my wall and 5 days later I've got about 2 likes and no comments, whereas a girl writes "I just ate a potato" and 5 minutes later she's inundated with 'likes' and comments such as "I love potatoes too LOL" or "Ooh Justin Beiber eats potatoes apparently. ROFL" as if what she has just professed is the work of a literary genius, rather than simply a statement about what she ate for dinner. I think the reason for this may be that girls are just more supportive in general of their mates, so will like a comment even if it's piffle, whilst for blokes the thought of admitting to liking something one of their mates has done is tantamount to declaring your undying love for them, so it just doesn't happen! Well the other reason could be of course that my blog is utter shite, but let's not go into that now...
So that's it, my ten social media irritations, some of which you may agree with, others you may actually be irritated by me for moaning about, but either way I hope you enjoyed it and it would be great to know what gets up your nose when social networking. Cheers!