Last week I went to see ‘Prometheus’, which quite simply was one of the biggest let downs I’ve had in a cinema since I remortgaged my house to buy their Nachos and the cheese they poured on top looked like something the staff had fished out of a river in Chernobyl.
Anyhow whilst sitting there watching the film, bored to tears and wondering how the hell they’d managed to fuck it up so badly, I started to ponder if this was one of the worst sequel’s/prequel's ever made. Quickly realising it was, I have now decided to create a list of my personal top 10 worst ever classic movie follow ups. Oh and for those lucky enough not to have seen Prometheus, beware it's number 10 in this list, so if you haven’t seen it and want to, then don’t read the last one! So here we go:
1. Jaws IV: The Revenge. Fucking hell. So the original Jaws was a classic, it was the original summer blockbuster and still to this day has an effect on people when they go in to the water. Jaws IV however was a shambles. Bad acting, awful effects and potentially the biggest flaw in any movie ever made; The shark follows the Brody family to the Bahama’s?!?! FOLLOWS THEM? 2000km in three days?! I mean there’s more chance of a shark following them on fucking Twitter than there is of it following them thousands of miles to another country. Especially when they flew there for Christ’s sake!? Sure, if the Brody’s had decided to swim then the shark could have potentially followed closely behind, maybe disguised in snorkelling gear to avoid detection or something. However they were several thousand feet up in the air and in a PLANE for goodness sakes, so unless the shark had somehow managed to get himself a passport, follow the Brody family to the airport and then snuck into the seats behind them on the flight, then this whole film is frickin ridiculous.
Oh and don't even get me started on the fact that the shark has no reason to hate the Brody family whatsoever. Well unless the makers are, as the title implies, suggesting the sharks in the other films were all his realitives and he's seeking revenge? My God, someone shoot me in the face now.
2. Batman and Robin. Now I didn’t particularly like Batman Returns either, but at least that kept some of the dark undertones of the original. Batman and Robin on the other hand was how I’d imagine the film would look if it was directed by Louis Spence. I mean the Batmobile had a fucking disco ball in the front of it??? Plus both their suits had nipples. NIPPLES??? I guess the only surprise was that Batgirl wasn't cast as a drag queen.
Oh and as for Mr Freeze and his “I can’t say anything without It being a pun to do with ice/cold/snow/temperature”, please save that for a different movie, maybe something staring Leslie Nielson, at least then it might have a chance of being funny.
3. Superman Returns. This one is in here because it promised so much; A great trailer, some awesome special effects, Kevin Spacey as Lex Luther. I mean what could go wrong? Oh that’s right, Lex’s evil plan could ruin the entire film, that’s what. “Oh I know what I’ll do, drop some shit in water and make a new continent. Yeah it may be just a massive uninhabitable rock with an appalling weather system and a landscape that looks like the aftermath of 9/11 but people will lap it up”. Err no they won’t Lex, the place is a shit hole, the idea was ridiculous and you have proven once again to be about as good at hatching evil plans as Superman would be at a kryptonite eating contest.
4. Alien Vs Predator. This film should really be on this list twice, not only because it’s an appalling sequel to 2 classic originals, but also because the sequel to this sequel is actually also an absolute abomination too. However I have opted for the first AVP film, as it was this one that got people excited about the concept of an Alien Vs a Predator in the first place and then, just like Prometheus nearly a decade later, let us down on a catastrophic scale. Seriously, these are two of the greatest monsters in movie history, on earth, surrounded by human prey, but do they go around tearing people to pieces like you would suspect? Do they fuck (that’s a statement not a question). Nope they just run around in the pitch black cuddling each other whilst the audience is left wondering what the hell just happened.
5. Speed 2: Cruise control. First off, it’s labelled as ‘Cruise control’. Err, isn’t cruise control where you just sit on the motorway in your car going at the same speed for hours as literally nothing dangerous can happen? They may as well have called it Speed 2: A casual stroll. Anyway, besides the god awful name, the fact that it is set on a boat traditionally used by old grannies as a comfortable way to go around the Caribbean, meant the film was always going to be shit. Not only that but even Keanu Reeves had the foresight to pull out before filming…and that man didn’t turn down ‘The Day The Earth Stood Still’, so you know on paper it must have looked even worse than it did on the screen. Still at least the Brody family weren’t on board, as I don’t even think Robert Patrick (?!) could have dealt with a snorkelling killer shark and Willem Dafoe’s bad guy in one movie.
6. Robocop 3. Now Robocop 2 was also bad, but this one was abysmal. Gone was Peter Weller, gone was the ultra violence and black humour from the first movie and in it’s place was Robert John Burke (who?!), a PG-13 rating and Robocop riding around in a pink Cadillac and fighting a Ninja. Oh and he flies. And no not in a ‘wow he’s like Iron Man’ type way, no Robocop’s flight in this movie is aided by wires so clear he practically looks like he’s on a swing down the local park. Shocking.
7. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. Okay, so Johnny Depp was amusing as Jack Sparrow in part one, which in turn made it pretty watchable. In the second film however, not even Depp’s comic timing could save it, especially as he was effectively just doing the same gags as in the first and because other than the Kraken turning up to do a bit of boat hugging every so often literally nothing else happens.
In fact, how many times did the Kraken turn up? I mean I haven’t seen it in a while but I reckon he made more appearances in this movie than Michael Owen has for Man Utd in the last 5 years. It reminded me of you know how in late March suddenly all the road works start as the councils frantically try to spend their budget before the end of the tax year? This seems to have happened in this movie, suddenly the director was like “fuck we’ve filmed 2 hours but have £60m left to play with, what we gonna do?”. One of the FX guys would then shout “How about unleashing the Kraken again?”. “Yeah great idea, get him from his trailer, we need him to attack a ship for the 100th time, not sure why, but fuck it, we need to spend the money or they won’t let us do it again for part 3”. Zzzzzzzzzzz.
8. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Now I didn’t actually think this was that bad a film when I first saw it, however since seeing it again and comparing it to the brilliance of ‘The Last Crusade’ it is pretty clear this film is still an awful sequel. I mean it doesn’t help that 60+ Harrison Ford’s face was beginning to show more cracks than a copy of Playboy, or that the CGI is so average even the makers of Robocop 3 were probably pissing themselves about it, but the main problem is it just lacks the ‘magic’ of the originals. The humour has gone, the action feels half hearted and the banter between the characters is about as sluggish as Ford’s hip movements. Oh and then there’s the aliens…..
9. Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. I know it’s technically a prequel, but hey if George Lucas can put Jar Jar Binks in a film and think it will work, then I can put a prequel in a list of sequels. So where do I begin? The fact that the kid playing Anakin is about as irritating as a bout of the clap? The fact Jar Jar Binks Is meant to bring an element of comedy to proceedings but all he actually does is make you want to punch yourself in the face? Or is it the fact that Darth Maul, potentially one of the best movie bad guys EVER, gets about 5 minutes of screen time before dying far too easily? It’s probably a mix of all three of these elements but also that the script, acting and plot were shocking too potentially didn’t help either.
10. Prometheus. Yes another prequel, but again I feel it deserves to be in this list. Okay, so the trailer was, quite simply, brilliant. It made me so excited for the film to come out that I almost forgot Ridley Scott was the man behind the horrific ‘Kingdom of Heaven’. But then I watched the full movie. Wow. Come back 'Kingdom of Heaven', all is forgiven. So, what made me dislike it so much? Well:
That the alien played a flute to help start the ship? A flute? How does he get in his house, by playing the bongos? Crazy.
That Idris Elba and two of his crew decide to sacrifice their lives at the drop of a hat just because Noomi Rapace’s character spouts some nonsense about the alien ship going to earth? At least question her for Christ's sake, don't just be like; "Oh right, cheers for the heads up, I better jump in the cockpit and kill my ass then". Madness.
That ‘Fifield’, the Geologist character, spends the whole film moaning and going on about how the mission is bullshit even though this is meant to be the BIGGEST DISCOVERY MANKIND HAS EVER MADE? Err you’re a geologist, on a newly discovered planet, go play with some rocks or something and cheer the hell up!! I mean why on earth (or anywhere else) was he even invited in the first place?
That Rapace’s character can have a cesarean, get her stomach stapled shut and then within two minutes go about her daily business like nothing happened?
Lastly did anyone else think that Idris Elba's accent sounded just like Robert Downey Jnr in 'Tropic Thunder'!? I mean that's not exactly a reason to dislike the film and in fact it probably improved my experience of it, but just thought I'd throw it out there!
So there you have it, my top ten worst movie sequels/prequels I've had the misfortune to see. As ever it would be great to hear if you have any others as I'm sure people have their own shockers not on this list!!