The 10 signs of ageing

At the end of 2011 I turned to the ripe old age of 32. Now this getting older lark doesn’t bother me too much. Yeah it’s “one year closer to death” as one of my mates likes to pessimistically remind me, but the best years of my life have been since around the age of 25, when I finally got the balls to go traveling, returned a year later, met my girlfriend and gradually became more comfortable in my own skin. Admittedly there’s parts of this skin that's now beginning to head south quicker than a bird in the winter, but I’m still getting I.D’d when I try to go into pubs, so the years can’t have been too bad. However I have noticed since sneaking over that 30 year mark that I am starting to feel my age for the first time and it's the following that has made me realise this:

1. Hangovers are now my nemesis...

Jesus, I remember how I used to wake up after a night out on the booze feeling a bit rough but then two or three hours later I would be up and about, ready to go for it again and excited about another night repeating exactly what I did the night before. Namely, drinking more than I probably should, heading to a bar playing incredibly average music and then making a tit of myself in front of some poor girl who was unfortunate enough to be the object of my affection for the evening. Fast forward 5 years. After a night on the source I wake up, my head feels like a Chilean miner is trying to tunnel his way out from behind my eye, the thought of booze makes me want to cry and I spend the day praying no one calls me to ask if I want to do it again.

2. I’ve started to get emotional during films...

So recently I watched the film 50:50, a comedy drama about some young and seemingly healthy guy who gets cancer of the spine. Now I know what you’re thinking; “Spine cancer, massive LOL” right? Err no me neither, but the film was actually surprisingly good! What was also surprising was that I found myself getting close to tears during it?! Now I haven’t cried about a movie since Freddy Kruger scared the shit out of me when I was about 8. But yet here I am 20 odd years later almost balling because some fictional character ends up having to have a major operation on his back? Thank god it wasn’t testicular issues that’s all I can say, as then I would of probably been at serious risk of drowning in my own man tears.

3. My body is begining to hate me...

I used to play a lot of football, get bashed, bruised and pull muscles regularly but yet within minutes be back enthusiastically, but unimpressively, kicking a ball around a field like nothing had happened. The other day I ran for my train. When I stopped running 60 seconds later, my legs turned to jelly and I spent the rest of the day walking like someone had just given me a colonoscopy with a coat hanger.

4. I've started saying “kid’s these days”...

Growing up it used to irritate me when adults would say things like ‘Kids these days’ as soon as they saw any kind of negative news article where a youngster was involved. I mean they didn’t hear me going “ooh blokes with perms these days” when Fred West was murdering practically everyone he met, or “men with beards these days” when Harold Shipman was attempting to wipe out the entire OAP population of the UK. But then I turned 30 and now when I see a kid drop a bit of litter I instantly fear for the future of the country.....

5. Other peoples fun annoys me...

When I was younger I went on two lads holidays to Malia and Magaluf and indulged in all the shenanigans that go with this kind of trip. The foam party’s, booze cruises, goldfish bowls, all day drinking and the obligatory pulling chart (which got very little action FYI). These all made appearances on my adventures and I had a fantastic time.

Last year however I went on an amazing holiday to Thailand and did a snorkelling trip to where they filmed ‘The Beach’. It was an incredible experience, but suddenly a booze cruise turned up with a load of younger people on board, who all jumped in the sea with cups of booze in their hands whilst screaming and shouting just as I did several years earlier. I hated all of them instantly for ruining my peace and quiet.

6. I stopped thinking Page 3 was a good idea...

As a teenage boy, Page 3 in 'The Sun' newspaper was something that was looked upon in wonder as it was the nearest I’d get to seeing a pair of boobs without someone wanting to get a restraining order put against me. The other day however I saw some dude reading The Sun and pretending to browse the article next to the page 3 girl (as us men do) and my first thought wasn't “God they’re a lovely pair” but “I can’t believe Page 3 still exists, what if kids could see that”?!?!?!?!?. To be honest I felt absolutely disgusted with myself for that one.

7. I realised my teenage crushes weren’t all that...

Recently I was discussing the brilliance of Robot Wars with one of my mates (yes that is a sad as it sounds) and we both suddenly remembered Philippa Forrester. Now 15 or so years ago I remember thinking she was one of the most gorgeous women on the the planet and that along with ‘wheelie big cheese’, ‘Chaos 2’ and err Craig Charles, she made Robot Wars the awesome show that it was (in my mind anyway). So remembering how gorgeous she was we decided to look her up on the net so we could reminisce about the good old days. My goodness. I mean yes she was pretty, but one of the most gorgeous girls on the planet? I don’t know, maybe I was just a horny teenager and thought any woman with a pair of boobs (so all women) who was also mates with robot’s was a real catch?! Or alternatively I’m just getting old, have settled down and have just forgotten what it was that made her so special in the first place.

8. Drinking tea gets me genuinely excited....

It used to be having a cheeky beer that I would thoroughly look forward to. Nowadays however, for some god damn reason I find myself getting that sort of pleasure from having a cup of tea. I even find myself saying in a high pitched voice “Oh yeah I’ll have a nice little cuppa tea” when one of my mates offers me one?! Why? I have no idea, I mean I don’t use that voice under any other circumstance, but for some reason the possibility of sitting down for a nice brew makes me go all Joe Pasquale. Ridiculous.

9. I enjoyed an episode of Question Time...

Not too long ago if one of my mates said to me he was watching 'Question Time' I would have probably stopped speaking to him and pondered how on earth we had ever become friends in the first place. However the other week I watched the show and not only did I find all the talk about financial instability pretty interesting but I even looked on Twitter to see what other people were saying about it. Admittedly not much of it made sense to me, but the fact I didn't switch over to try and watch something like Babestation instead suggests something's changed...

10. My bladders started controlling my sleeping habits....

As an infant I would occasionally wake up having wet the bed like kids do as they go through their very early years. Now however I wake up in the middle of the night quite often worried I’m going to wet the bed because my bladder is slowly turning into what seems like the human equivalent of a colander. So now rather than sleep for 8 hours a night, quite often I wake up and have to dash to the loo for salvation. Who knows, in a few more years I may have to regress 3 decades and start whacking on the nappies again....can't wait.

So there you have it. Clearly I am beginning to get old and the list above covers many of the reasons why I've finally realised it. But would I change a thing? Definitely not. The younger years were fun, but as I say, from 25 onwards I've had the best years of my life so I wouldn't change a thing. Anyway, time for a 'little cuppa tea' and a bit of Question Time in bed me thinks....

Comments

[Jason]

When I get home I hanker for that cup of tea, but I was like that even at school. So... was I born old? Or is tea a hardcore drug that all human beings look forward to like waiting for a fat Santa to get stuck in your chimney so you can polish off the biccies and whiskey left for him.