So this week I managed to get tickets to the world premier of Titanic 3D at the Royal Albert Hall in London through work. Now going to a film premier is something I have been fortunate enough to do once before and that was for the movie 'Three' (aka 'Survival Island') starring Billy Zane and the model/alleged actress Kelly Brook. Well I say "fortunate enough", however for anyone who has seen it (all 2 of you) will know it is quite simply the worst thing put to celluloid since Joel Schumacher's 'Batman and Robin', a movie which at least had the added bonus of Arnie's Mr Freeze shoving more ice related gags in our faces than a serial killing Eskimo. 'Three' on the other hand had nothing going for it other than maybe for the men there was Kelly Brook spending most of the film getting acted off screen by her own consistently exposed breasts and for everyone else there was Billy Zane spending his time probably wondering what the hell had just happened to his career.
Anyway as I say although the film was awful, so bad in fact that both Billy Zane and Kelly Brook walked out the Odeon Cinema in Leicester Square before it had even finished, the experience of going to it was pretty awesome. You can't help but feel a little bit famous when walking down a red carpet in front of a crowd of hundreds, even if no one has a frickin clue who you are, most of the fans looking on probably instantly hate you for being there and the waiting press have got about as much interest in you as Mel Gibson does in going to a bar mitzvah, it is still quite a nice feeling.
Well I say nice, in my case it was going extremely well for the first part, as having entered the red carpet feeling all smug and important, with Martine MCcutcheon's 'This is my moment' playing in my head, my back straightened, my chin up and my chest puffed out like some kind of peacock in mating season, I approached the paparazzi ready for my time in the spotlight.
Unfortunately however as I got in front of them and was lining up my 'I'm not famous but I'm posing like I should be' look, Kelly Brook entered the red carpet at the other end and brought my 'MCcutcheon moment' to a somewhat abrupt and undignified end. Whilst I was building myself up for the flashing bulbs, shouts of 'Dan, Dan, look over here" (how they'd know my name I have no idea) and my face appearing in the showbiz columns across the world the next day, what actually happened was somewhat different.
On seeing Kelly Brook entering the red carpet the security staff ran over and asked me to "move on, MOVE ON, MOVE ON" in increasingly desparate tones, before the photographers all gradually then started groaning about the flouncing nobody who was slowly wandering off the red carpet in front of them. Before I was off however, one of the paps, who clearly had lost all patience with me milking it more than an over worked farmer decided to spell it out for me and just shout "OI YOU WANKER, MOVE OUT THE FUCKING WAY" at the top of his voice. It wasn't exactly the moment in the spotlight I'd expected, but hey they say everyone has their 15 minutes of fame, it's just a shame mine ended with me being branded a massive wanker in front of an audience of hundreds, some people from my work....oh and Kelly Brook. Still got it though Dan, still got it.