I'm going back to Titanic....

If you read my blog post on Saturday you will have discovered that I was lucky enough to go to the premier of Titanic 3D at the Royal Albert Hall last week. On a less positive note you will have also discovered that I once got labelled a "wanker" by the paparazzi at a previous film premier in front of several hundred people and Kelly Brook for spending too much time trying to milk my moment in the spotlight as I walked down the red carpet. At the time I thought it was a harsh analysis of my behaviour, I mean yes I was taking my time to wander past the waiting photographers and yes I was hugely excited by the experience, but I can categorically deny that any masturbation took place.

Anyway going to see Titanic again made me realise several things about the movie that when I saw it originally nearly 15 years ago I failed to notice. However before I start detailing this I have to admit after watching it again it really is a film that has stood the test of time well and the post rendered 3D that has been added to the movie for the re-release is actually incredibly good. Still completely pointless of course, as it is in most films, but to the credit of James Cameron at least it looks like he has put a serious amount of effort into it.

Oh and to all those perverts who as soon as they heard it was in 3D thought they were going to be able to go to the cinema for a cheeky grab or motorboat of Kate Winslet's boobs as they come out of the screen during her infamous topless scene, I am afraid you will be seriously disappointed, although the person sitting next to you probably won't be.

Anyway as I say I have noticed a few things about this movie since watching it again and below is a list of what I have come to realise:

1) Rose was a bit of a dirt bag! So she meets Jack; a poor, homeless, sketch artist who has managed to find his way on to the Titanic through a bit of gambling on the dock side and within days she is going tongue to tongue with him at the front of the boat, stripping off naked in her and her fiancee's room for a quick live art class with the boy and then finally having rampant sex with the young vagabond in someone else's car!! Admittedly this vagabond is Leonardi DiCaprio, a man who at the time most women would have slept with even if they'd had to fish him out of a bin, but still where's the bloody morals!? I feel sorry for her poor fiance 'Cal', yes he was an arrogant, sexist, selfish twat, but at least he wasn't seducing the homeless in his fiancee's bedroom.

2) It is possibly the cheesiest film ever made. In fact it is so cheesy that I wouldn't have been surprised if it turned out that it was not an ice berg poking out the water that caused Titanic's problems but was in fact just a giant dairylea triangle that had fallen out of the script and struck the ship in the first place. Lines like "this is where we first met" as Jack and Rose hang on to the rail as the ship sinks into the Atlantic or where Rose declares 'she's flying' as she steps up on to the rail in the same spot where Jack declared he was the "king of the world" were all filled with so much cheese that I genuinely believe if Dicaprio or Winslet were lactose intolerant then the script could have actually posed a serious health risk.

3) Rose is one selfish bitch. Let's take the final 20 minutes of the film for example. So when they end up in the water and Jack helps her on to what might be the worlds largest wardrobe door, Kate Winslet's character makes literally no effort to move over and let poor Jack on, or to even suggest that maybe taking it in turns to go on the door might be a good option (especially if they were both planning on getting jiggy in the back of a car again any time soon). Nope she just made herself comfortable, stretched her legs out like she was practicing yoga and left poor old Jack to freeze his frickin testicles off in the icey waters. To make it even worse she then tell's Jack she's "So cold" even though he's neck deep in the Atlantic! Now rather than responding like Jack does with a rather too kind "Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and you're gonna make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow" I think he should have probably replied with;

"Pardon? You're so cold? Are you taking the fucking piss? I am on the verge of death, my penis has retreated into my lower intestine and my testicles are currently looking like the top of a Walnut Whip and you're so cold? Right that's it, stop doing snow angels on that bastard door and shift your fucking arse over, I'm coming on. Cold? Honestly? You need to think before you speak sometimes you selfish wardrobe hugging cow, I knew I should of bloody let you jump the other day".

Admittedly that may have ruined the love story that the previous 2 and a half hours had tried to create, but telling the dude you're "so cold" when you're kicking back on what's practically a floating wooden sun lounger whilst he's covered in more frost than a penguins rectum is just plain rude! But hey maybe I am just taking the film too seriously...

So there you go, just a few things I have discovered over a decade on from when I first saw Titanic on the big screen and in conclusion as I say, it is still a great film, with a good story and special effects that have stood the test of time, it's just on top of this there is also a massive side helping of cheese and a door hogging leading lady whose knickers went down far quicker than any boat ever could....

The End

15 minutes of shame.....

So this week I managed to get tickets to the world premier of Titanic 3D at the Royal Albert Hall in London through work. Now going to a film premier is something I have been fortunate enough to do once before and that was for the movie 'Three' (aka 'Survival Island') starring Billy Zane and the model/alleged actress Kelly Brook. Well I say "fortunate enough", however for anyone who has seen it (all 2 of you) will know it is quite simply the worst thing put to celluloid since Joel Schumacher's 'Batman and Robin', a movie which at least had the added bonus of Arnie's Mr Freeze shoving more ice related gags in our faces than a serial killing Eskimo. 'Three' on the other hand had nothing going for it other than maybe for the men there was Kelly Brook spending most of the film getting acted off screen by her own consistently exposed breasts and for everyone else there was Billy Zane spending his time probably wondering what the hell had just happened to his career.

Anyway as I say although the film was awful, so bad in fact that both Billy Zane and Kelly Brook walked out the Odeon Cinema in Leicester Square before it had even finished, the experience of going to it was pretty awesome. You can't help but feel a little bit famous when walking down a red carpet in front of a crowd of hundreds, even if no one has a frickin clue who you are, most of the fans looking on probably instantly hate you for being there and the waiting press have got about as much interest in you as Mel Gibson does in going to a bar mitzvah, it is still quite a nice feeling.

Well I say nice, in my case it was going extremely well for the first part, as having entered the red carpet feeling all smug and important, with Martine MCcutcheon's 'This is my moment' playing in my head, my back straightened, my chin up and my chest puffed out like some kind of peacock in mating season, I approached the paparazzi ready for my time in the spotlight.

Unfortunately however as I got in front of them and was lining up my 'I'm not famous but I'm posing like I should be' look, Kelly Brook entered the red carpet at the other end and brought my 'MCcutcheon moment' to a somewhat abrupt and undignified end. Whilst I was building myself up for the flashing bulbs, shouts of 'Dan, Dan, look over here" (how they'd know my name I have no idea) and my face appearing in the showbiz columns across the world the next day, what actually happened was somewhat different.

On seeing Kelly Brook entering the red carpet the security staff ran over and asked me to "move on, MOVE ON, MOVE ON" in increasingly desparate tones, before the photographers all gradually then started groaning about the flouncing nobody who was slowly wandering off the red carpet in front of them. Before I was off however, one of the paps, who clearly had lost all patience with me milking it more than an over worked farmer decided to spell it out for me and just shout "OI YOU WANKER, MOVE OUT THE FUCKING WAY" at the top of his voice. It wasn't exactly the moment in the spotlight I'd expected, but hey they say everyone has their 15 minutes of fame, it's just a shame mine ended with me being branded a massive wanker in front of an audience of hundreds, some people from my work....oh and Kelly Brook. Still got it though Dan, still got it.